Am I the only woman on the planet Earth whose legs look nothing like this?
I doubt it, yet it seems as if every clothing designer this side of Mars has decided that enough women have skinny legs to warrant manufacturing skin tight pants galore, leaving the rest of us poor slobs to don painter's pants or bell bottoms from the 1970s.
I've been to a half dozen stores looking for pants. Now, I'm not stupid. There are many pants that, upon a quick glance, are clearly too damn small. But there have been others that showed promise. Still, I've wiggled and tugged and considered using scissors to open leg seams to no avail. Not one pair fit.
Okay, so you're thinking: This woman must be large.
A tad overweight . . . Maybe. But fat? No way. In the other world I used to inhabit, I routinely wore a size 8 or 10.
Is this yet another fashion conspiracy like 6" stiletto heels? Bulky shoulder pads? Humungous purses that throw off a woman's back alignment and send thousands to a chiropractor for treatment?
I hear rumbling from some out there about spending more time at the gym or settling for sweats that come in sizes to fit even the largest of us.
That's just not fair: Most of the women I know DO exercise regularly and, if they don't, many were blessed with skinny legs. (Damn them!) And no one disagrees that sweats are comfy and cozy and all of that. But there are times when we want to look a bit more presentable, even sexy.
Of course, there's the possibility that this is all about age. Women over 50 are supposed to suck it up and cover up. They shouldn't be wearing pants in the first place. Maybe wide skirts that hang to the floor? Housecoats? Moo Moos? Tents? Birkas?
Phooey! Hollywood icons like Greta Garbo, Marlene Dietrich, and then Katharine Hepburn set the stage by wearing trousers in public well past their movie star prime.
“I dress for myself," Dietrich said. "Not for the image, not for the public, not for the fashion, not for men.” She was a habitual wearer of loose trousers, and managed to look effortlessly striking.
Loose. Hear that all you fashion designers out there who have collectively squashed the modicum of positive body image I and many others have salvaged?
I can only hope that this skinny pant thing is one of those passing fads like hot pants, go-go boots, and culottes. May they find their way to the vintage store or, better yet, in the garbage.