Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Closure

 


The last time I visited the small clapboard house in Yellow Springs, my father lay partially paralyzed in the same bed where my mother had died just three plus weeks before.  It took him over a week to finally leave this world.

That house held nothing but bad memories.  It was easy not to return.

But my sister -- my only sister -- lives just ten minutes or so away, and I hadn't seen her since my parents died four years ago.

Sure, we talked on the phone and exchanged emails.  But not to spend quality in-person time together seemed wrong.  I missed her.  

She owns horses and oversees a 96-acre property that demands constant care and attention.  If we were going to see each other, it was up to me.  So, I loaded up the car and drove the six plus hours from my home to Yellow Springs.

I walked slowly up the path to the front porch of my parents' home.  I "saw" my mother sitting there, holding an Obama For President sign. 


Now the porch seemed eerily empty with weeds and vines crawling up its sides.  I paused to catch my breath.

I opened the door, took my shoes off as was the custom, and tiptoed into the kitchen, half hoping that I'd find my mother preparing lunch or cleaning up.  There wasn't a sound save for my quiet sobs.  Nervous, I walked into the bedroom where my parents had died.  Instead of a dark room with curtains drawn, I was greeted with light streaming in the circular glass addition and prisms bouncing off of the stained glass windows my mother had made but hadn't had time to hang.  My sister had rearranged the furniture, and all that remained in the atrium was an oak rocking chair.

I sat down in the chair, closed my eyes, and rocked slowly back and forth, breathing more slowly now.  I could imagine shades of purple floating above my head,  My mother loved the color purple.

"How do you feel?" my sister whispered.

"Better.  Much better."



Thursday, August 23, 2012

Withdrawal




 My name is Jane, and I'm a political junkie.

I am powerless over my addiction.

I pledge to take it one day at a time and turn my addiction over to a higher power.

Well . . . not exactly.  That approach hasn't worked for me.  No, I'm going to pull myself out of this morass by my own bootstraps and lick this thing, no matter what.

Today is the first day . . .

It's 7:24 a.m., and I've already sneaked a peek at the Huffington Post headlines on my iPad.  The pull to check out the New York Times is overwhelming.  But I'm not going to do it.  No, I'm going to shut down my iPad this minute.

But then there's my iMac.  I should have turned it off last night.  But I didn't.  Now my home page shouts out the major headlines from the same NYT.  I try to quickly click on another link but catch the words Clinton and ad before the new page loads.  And as hard as I try not to go back and find out exactly what Clinton and ad are all about, I can't resist.

I am powerless over my addiction.

Last week, I hit the proverbial "bottom."  That's when a judge in Pennsylvania upheld the new Voter ID law, a law similar to those passed in multiple other states since the election of Barack Obama in 2008. 

I started to shake.  My stomach was in knots.  The banging in my head felt like a marching band had taken up residence.  I needed a fix, but what?  Another news story about all the millions of dollars being spent by PACs that don't have to declare its contributors?  The selection of Paul Ryan as Mitt's VP choice?  The complete failure of the Congress to get any work done?  

I turned off the TV, closed down all the computers in the house, tossed the newspaper and recent copy of Newsweek.  I would have no more of it.  I knew withdrawal would test every bit of fortitude I could muster and a lot of luck, but I was sure I was ready.  Nothing could stop me from breaking my habit.  I was going to be clean of all the political chatter and acrimony and sinister ploys that even the best fiction writer could never imagine.  I would detox from all the angst running through my veins.  I would be free of this demon that had taken over my life.

Who was I kidding?

Once a political junkie, always a political junkie.

But there is one ray of hope:  I used to be a diehard Chicago Cubs' fan.  I lived within earshot of Wrigley Field and, when the wind was blowing from east to west, I could hear strains of the national anthem, "Take Me Out to The Ballgame" during the seventh-inning stretch, and cheers when the Cubbies scored a run.

Well, we all know that the Cubs haven't won a World Series since 1908.  Their record has been abysmal now for years.  I haven't watched a game in I don't know how long.  I have no idea the names of the current roster and, though I've heard that they are in or near the cellar again this year, I couldn't repeat their win/loss record if you put a gun to my head.

I kicked the Chicago Cubs' habit.  Maybe, just maybe, I can do the same with politics . . . well, maybe after November 6.



 



Friday, August 10, 2012

"Strong Is The New Beautiful"

 


I hear tell that "Strong is the new beautiful."  The media put out the decree sometime after the women gymnasts on Team USA landed the coveted all-around and team gold medals in the Summer Olympics about to come to a close.  Apparently, young girls all over the world want to grow up to be athletic, proud, and, yes, strong.
     Don't get me wrong:  I'm all for celebrating women's strength on the athletic field and off.  But I'm a bit miffed that this apparent transformation took so darn long and, alas, missed a lot of us in the process.
     Back in the day, it wasn't beautiful for women to build muscles, slide across gym floors, or sweat.  Sure, there were girls' sports teams, and I was on several of them.  But no one except a few parents and siblings ever showed up to cheer.  The female gym teacher -- in my case, Miss "D" -- played the role of coach, trainer, and biggest fan all rolled into one.  She may have been strong, but no one thought she was beautiful.  Rumor was she was "butch," but we didn't have a clue what that meant.
     We never heard from weights.  A six pack was the booze our boyfriends bought illegally on the weekends. Still, we swooned when they flexed their biceps or showed off a ripped, twitching chest.  For our part, we wore panty girdles to hide any signs of bulging beef.  Even when we were older and joined a local Vic Tanny, we made it absolutely clear that we didn't want too many muscles to make us look like men.

     Flash forward several decades to 2012.  The Year of the Woman at the Olympics in which, for the first time in history, every country has at least one female athlete.  There are, in fact, more female competitors on Team USA than male.  While the men have won their share of medals, the women have won nearly twice as many.  And there is still a day to go.
     So, all you men out there that like your women soft and cuddly.  Strong is the new beautiful, and you may just be out of luck.
     

   

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Radioactive Man Is In The House: I Wish I Weren't




Ah, that may sound harsh. But when your beloved is diagnosed with some disease -- in my husband's case, thyroid cancer -- the initial urge is to book a trip to Tahiti, or at least take off for a few days to visit a relative in another state. 

Alan swallowed his dose of radioactive iodine (RAI) yesterday morning.  The stuff can destroy any cancer cells that take up iodine, with little effect on the rest of the body.  While he sat in the hospital for thirty minutes after which a geiger counter was passed over his body to verify that the radioactive stuff was in there and beginning to do its thing (No, I'm not kidding!),  I raced home to finish moving out of "our" bathroom and bedroom, into the guest quarters.

Radioactive iodine is highly contagious and can make everyone except the guy who swallows develop thyroid problems.

I then jumped back into Alan's car (mine doesn't have a back seat where he'd have to sit to "keep his distance") and raced back to the hospital to pick up Radioactive Man.  Just as I approached the entrance to the hospital, I noticed an older man standing by the bus stop.  He was wearing a surgical mask.  Ah, I thought.  This guy must have just gotten out of the hospital and wants to make sure he doesn't pick up any nasty germs that might be floating around.

I looked again.  It was Alan waving at me to pull over.  And that's when I noticed the bright blue plastic surgical gloves he had donned.

What a trooper!  His sense of humor was in tact, even if his thyroid was not. 

To live in the same house without the cats or me getting sick from the highly contagious radiation, we signed off on a set of do's and don'ts that included:
*     No touching for 8 days.
*     For the first 4 days, no more than a few minutes in the same room.
*     Separate bedrooms for 10 days; separate baths for 2 weeks.
*     No contact at all with our two Maine Coon cats for one week.
*     No sharing of food.  And no cooking for each other.  (That's a real killer because Alan is the cook in our house.)
*     Alan is to wear plastic gloves if touching virtually anything.
*     Plastic baggies on all phones, TV remotes, and other shared electronics.

Our kitchen looks like a kosher kitchen, even worse.  Cabinets are labeled with either his name or mine as are alternating shelves and bins in the refrigerator.  "My" spatula and other utensils are on one side of the stove; his are on the other.  Pots and pans are also equally divided.  I cooked my dinner last night, cleaned up, and then vacated the room, closing the door behind me.  Alan then prepared his dinner.  We ate in separate rooms, the cats hanging with me.

I don't know whether it's my cooking or the stress, but I need to drink some camomile tea and curl up for the night.





Thursday, July 19, 2012

The Caregiver Blues

My husband was the one who was supposed to feel tired, cranky, even depressed.  He was the guy with thyroid cancer who, in preparing for an iodine radiation treatment, had to go cold turkey on his thyroid medication and stick to a low iodine diet that put dairy, almost all salt, soy products, and everything from the sea on the "NO CAN EAT" list.

And that's the easy part.  The real challenge would be the week he'd spend in total isolation, unable to leave the house for anything -- not a few groceries, a book of stamps, a DVD, a movie, an evening with friends.  Nada.

Why?  Because the magic radioactive iodine pill he would swallow would render him . . . well, radioactive.  And being radioactive is not a good thing.  You're a walking mini-Chernobyl or Fukushima Daiichi.  

So, while Radioactive Man lounges on the new memory foam mattress, I'll sleep on the oldie but goodie that we deposited in the guest bedroom for our infrequent overnight guests.  And while the guy with cooties basks in the whirlpool bath, I'll monkey with the old shower that never turns off completely and runs either too darn hot or much too cold. 

I'd planned on keeping a journal, detailing my husband's slow but steady decline.  We were warned that his skin could get dry and flaky, his hair might fall out, and that his salivary glands might become swollen and painful.

To date, he's doing just fine.  

I'm the one whose had a bad ten days and counting.  I've had the worst backache in recent memory.  My stomach has turned against me, and, with the heat wave that shows no end in sight, I'm glum, if not downright depressed.

What's going on here?

Have my attempts at being "strong" for my husband kicked me in the gut?  Am I that stressed for fear of his health that I put a damper on mine?

Or is this all simply a matter of chance?  I just happened to throw my back out and pick up some little bug along the way.

Something tells me that it's Option #1.  I've got the caretaker blues.  Like all other dips, this one will pass, followed, I'm sure, by a time of calm, quiet, and whole body.  Looking back, I'll remember these couple of weeks as a blip on the radar and a testament to "taking one in the name of love."






Monday, July 16, 2012




"Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer
Those days of soda and pretzels and beer
Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer
Dust off the sun and moon and sing a song of cheer . . ."
        "Those Lazy Hazy Crazy Days of Summer" - Nat King Cole

I used to love summer.  Now, not so much.  On days when the temperature climbs into the 90s  -- 30 days so far and counting -- going outside for more than 5 minutes is almost as unbearable as bundling up and facing the elements with a wind chill below 0 degrees.

The grass in my yard has burned to a crisp.  (I know, Californians call this "golden."  I call it piss yellow.)  Too many flowers, particularly those I planted this year, have wilted under the heat and called it quits.  And I'm feeling a bit depressed.  Is there such a thing as having a touch of SADD in July?  Heck, I have a goLite BLU sitting on the floor under my desk.  But the instruction manual says not a word about using it to correct an imbalance in the circadian rhythms in the middle of the summer when there's more sunlight than at any other time of the year.  




It's too hot to take a stroll or ride my bike or picnic with friends.  I don't even hear the little rascals two doors south bouncing on their trampoline or playing soccer.  It's as if a curfew has been declared, and no one dares break it.


Sure, I could head to the beach less than two blocks away for a swim in Lake Michigan.  But that necessitates donning a bathing suit and, well, I think I'd rather stay inside and suffer.  Ditto for accompanying my husband to the local YMCA pool.

I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd look forward to fall with its cooler temperatures and shorter days.  But I've taken to humming "Autumn Leaves" and dreaming of a white Christmas.

 






Monday, July 2, 2012

Anniversaries

They are just days of the year, days in which we celebrate a wedding, the start of a new job, the graduation from some institution of higher learning, or the death of a loved one.

Today is the fourth anniversary of my mother's death.  It hardly seems possible that so much time has passed.  I can still see her lifeless body bathed and adorned in purple silk pajamas laid out on her back, her left eye slightly ajar.  At last, her struggles had ended; mine had just begun.  I scanned her body from head to toe, urging myself to take an indelible photo - an image of her slender fingers still tinged with red nail polish, her thin lips now relaxed for good, her still full head of hair framing high cheek bones, and an aura of . . . if not peace, then of a life well lived, a job well done.


Two nights ago while watching "Real Time With Bill Maher," I got the giggles during one of his "New Rules" segments in which he suggested a host of possible VP running mates for the Mittster:  Rubio, Pawlenty, and some guy from a call center in India.

This is not the guy whose photo appeared on the TV screen, but he'll do


This last choice caught me completely off guard, and I started to giggle.  I couldn't stop.  My husband, who had no idea what was so funny, started giggling with me.  The giggle was contagious.  We were still laughing long after Maher had gone on to his next segment.  I dabbed at the tears dribbling down my face and kept right on.

"I'm channeling my mother," I said in between trying to catch my breath.  "This is the way she giggled.  Remember?"

My husband nodded.

"I loved my mom's giggle.  She could be a toughie, I know.  But when she started to giggle, everything was up for grabs."

I flashed to meals over the years when all hell broke loose.  I remembered a photo of my mother, my cousin, and me at a family reunion.  The three of us are doubled over in laughter, unable to carry on with whatever little entertainment we were presenting.

And here I was, two days before the anniversary of my mother's death, laughing as if she were there with me, sharing a moment of pure abandonment and joy.

So, she's still buzzing around after all.  Not all the time . . . not as often as I'd like.  But here nonetheless.  Here to make me giggle, here to remind me of all the lessons offered and the many lessons learned.